What’s Happening In Me? How to Face Burnout, Your Nervous System, and Inner Healing with Grace
It started with a Saturday morning and a cup of coffee I never got to drink.
The alarm went off, and somehow, before my feet even hit the floor, I was already behind. By the time I got downstairs, it felt like pure chaos. At least to me. Kids who hadn't eaten. A husband with a dozen questions. A cat on the table. A goldendoodle immediately underfoot, because, why not! And someone at the door trying to sell us a security system we absolutely did not need.
All the things. All at once. And, then … tears. I had a mini-melt-down right in the middle of my kitchen, coffee in hand.
I fussed at my people. I threatened to ground my youngest for life if she asked me one more time about those last minute plans she wanted to make. I reminded my oldest, not so gently, that the dishwasher is a really great place to put dirty dishes. And I grumbled to my sweet husband that it would be nice to have some help around the house.
And then I turned to storm out of the room. But not before reminding everyone that this was supposed to be a perfectly delightful, easy Saturday morning at home, and I just wanted to drink my coffee.
It was not my best moment. [Insert deep sigh.]
When I got upstairs, I sat crying tears in my coffee asking the question that I think a lot of us ask in these moments:
What is wrong with me?
That Question Is the Wrong One
Here's what I've learned: that question — what's wrong with me? — carries judgment, and judgment leads to shame. And shame doesn't lead to healing. It leads to hiding.
There's a better question. And it's one that changed everything for me:
What's happening in me?
It sounds like a tiny shift. But the difference is enormous. The first question puts you on trial. The second one invites you to get curious. One leads to shame spirals and self-condemnation. The other leads to awareness, to grace, and eventually to real healing.
That's what Episode 4 of The Purpose Project Podcast is all about. And in this post, I want to walk you through some of what we cover, because friend, if you've been asking what's wrong with me more than you'd like to admit lately, this is for you.
What Was Really Happening That Morning
That Saturday morning kitchen meltdown wasn't really about the dishes. Or the dog. Or the cat. Or my husband's questions. Or the kids.
It was about what I was carrying underneath the surface.
At the time, I was working as a nonprofit executive leader in a season that was slowly suffocating me from the inside out. I didn't have language for it yet, but what I was experiencing was misalignment — and it's important to understand what that actually means, because it's not the same as disagreement.
You can disagree with people around you and still be in alignment with them. Misalignment is something deeper. It's when what you're doing, what people are asking of you, and where you're investing your greatest energy is working against your values, your convictions, and what you believe God has called you to. It creates a persistent inner tension — a kind of chronic friction that your body registers long before your brain catches up.
The signs were there for me. I wasn't sleeping. I was exhausted all the time. I was overthinking everything. I'm normally a decisive, confident person — but I couldn't get my thoughts together. I felt tense, confused, and spiritually weary.
The well-meaning CEO told me that this was just the cost of doing something that mattered.
So I kept telling myself it was fine. I was fine.
It wasn't fine.
Your Body Knows Before Your Brain Does
There's a book I reference in this episode called The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk. The premise is exactly what it sounds like: our bodies carry what we haven't yet processed — unresolved pain, disappointment, grief — and it shows up as anxiety, tension, physical symptoms, and emotional reactivity long before we're ready to acknowledge that something is wrong.
I was physically ill. I was gaining weight. My hair was falling out. And I was managing the symptoms — the overthinking, the anxiety, the exhaustion — without ever stopping to ask what those symptoms might be trying to tell me.
Think of it like a fever. A fever gets your attention. It tells you your body is fighting something, that there's an underlying issue. You can treat a fever — take some Tylenol, feel a little better — but that doesn't mean you're well. The fever isn't the problem. It's a symptom of something else.
Our inner life works exactly the same way.
Fight. Flight. Freeze. Fawn.
Here's where I get to talk about neuroscience! I love this part!
God designed your nervous system to protect you. When your brain perceives a threat — physical or emotional, it's the same to your brain — your stress response immediately activates. You’ve likely heard it described as fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.
When you're in chronic stress, that response is always activated. And it shows up like this:
Fight looks like defensiveness, irritability, short-temperedness, and control. Flight looks like avoidance, overworking, staying busy, overthinking, restlessness. Freeze looks like shutting down, going numb, disengaging. Fawn looks like people-pleasing, over-accommodating, managing everyone else's emotions, an overdeveloped sense of responsibility for others, saying yes when you mean no, keeping the peace at the cost of what matters most.
See, a lot of what we call personality traits are actually coping strategies. They're patterns of self-protection we've developed over time to survive. It’s our nervous system doing exactly what it was designed to do under prolonged strain.
Understanding this doesn't excuse the behavior. I still had to go back and apologize to my family that Saturday morning. But it does create room for something other than shame — and that something is compassion.
What God Did for Elijah
One of my favorite passages for this conversation is 1 Kings 19.
Elijah has just come off one of the greatest spiritual victories of his life. And then he crashes hard. He's exhausted, emotionally depleted, isolated, afraid for his life. He's telling God he's done. Completely done. He wants to give up permanently.
And here's what God does not do: He doesn't rebuke Elijah. He doesn't hand him a to-do list. He doesn't say, "Pull yourself together, man." He doesn't say, "What is wrong with you?"
Instead, He lets Elijah sleep. He sends an angel to bring him food. Not once, but twice. And it's only after Elijah has rested and eaten and been physically tended to that God addresses the deeper things.
That is not an accident. God doesn't do anything accidentally.
What this tells us is that you cannot do deep inner work from a dysregulated nervous system. You can't hear clearly, think clearly, or move forward wisely when your body is running on empty. God knew that about Elijah. He knows that about you too.
So sometimes, oftentimes even, God's first invitation isn't to fix the thing. It's to rest. To receive grace. To come close and let Him care for you before you go any further.
That's what it looks like when God meets us where we are.
Grace and Truth — You Need Both
So how do we actually do this work? How do we look honestly at what's happening in us without spiraling into shame?
We need grace. And we need truth. And we need both at the same time. They're not opposites, they're partners.
Truth without grace leads to condemnation, striving, hiding, perfectionism — sometimes hopelessness. Grace without truth leads to avoidance and staying stuck. Together, they create the only environment where real transformation can happen.
Romans 8:1 is the anchor: "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."
That verse isn't just a comfort. It's a permission slip for honesty. It means you can name what's real. You can tell the truth about what's happening in you — without giving it control over you. You can bring it to God without the shame spiral, because there is no condemnation in Christ.
Grace-filled self-talk sounds different from shame-based self-talk:
Shame says, "What is wrong with me?" Grace says, "What's happening in me? Where is there room for growth?"
Shame says, "Hide. Run." Grace says, "Come to the Father. Confess. Bring this into the light."
Shame says, "You're failing. Give up." Grace says, "There's something here that needs tending to. You're a work in progress. Keep going."
That's self-compassion, not making excuses, not pretending everything is fine, but extending yourself the same grace you would offer to someone else you love. It is the only posture that creates room for true, deep healing.
And this kind of inner work? It isn't self-help. The Holy Spirit has to be in it. Without His active presence and participation, honest self-reflection is just navel-gazing. But when the Spirit is involved, it becomes spiritual formation — rooted in relationship with Jesus, producing real and lasting change.
A Simple Framework: Notice. Get Curious. Respond with Wisdom and Grace.
So practically, where do you start? Three things. Simple, but not always easy.
1. Notice — without judgment. Pay attention to what's happening in you. Ask: What am I feeling right now? Is this fear? Grief? Exhaustion? Where do I feel it in my body? What's the story I'm telling myself?
2. Get Curious. As you notice, lean in. Ask: What might be underneath this? Where could this be coming from? Is this an alignment issue? Is it unprocessed pain or grief or disappointment? What needs tending to?
3. Respond with Wisdom and Grace. Ask: Is there something I need more of right now? Less of? What truth do I need to be reminded of? Then take the next step, even if it's a small one.
Awareness that doesn't lead anywhere isn't enough. Healthy awareness always leads to wise action. And wise action that leads to real change is possible when you're making space for both grace and truth.
There Is a Way Forward
Friend, if you've been having a lot of what is wrong with me mornings lately, know that it’s ok to not be ok. You're not a bad Christian, a bad mom, a bad leader, or a bad person. You may just be carrying something that needs attention, and your body is trying to tell you so.
There is a way forward, free of shame and condemnation.
Be honest with yourself. Pay attention. Be curious. And be full of grace. And eyes on Jesus..
Stay Connected
If this resonated with you, you'd fit right in around here. Join the email list below and you'll never miss a new episode, resource, or reflection — just honest, faith-filled encouragement delivered straight to your inbox.
And if you want to hear the full conversation or explore other episodes, you can find us wherever you listen to podcasts or visit our podcast page.
Resources mentioned in this post and in the episode:
The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk — Get the book
Hazel & Hunt (My fave t-shirts come from here!) — Shop Hazel & Hunt
About Valerie Jones
Valerie is a board-certified Christian Life & Leadership Coach, the founder of The Purpose Project, and the host of The Purpose Project Podcast. She helps Christian women leaders get out of their heads and take brave action — without burning out or sacrificing what matters most. Her approach combines biblical truth with neuroscience-informed coaching because she believes God designed us as whole people, and real transformation has to consider the whole person.
